SAWTELLE—Unable to survive on your exorbitant rent prices alone, your landlord announced this week that all laundry machines in your apartment complex will now only accept precious gems as payment. “Laundry is a privilege, not a right, but I want to make it as easy as possible for my tenants to wash their grubby clothing,” said serial landlord Gerald Harkins as he repeatedly ignored your texts begging him to fix the heating unit. “It’s just more practical—even with the national gem shortage brought about by the pandemic.” At press time, Harkins had released a follow-up statement that he would only accept rent checks printed on pieces of the Shroud of Turin.