LOS ANGELES—At a press conference this week, Los Angeles County Health Director Dr. Barbara Ferrer warned the public against gathering to celebrate the Ides of March. “In preparation for March 15th, I implore all of you to refrain from gathering with family and friends for this hallowed occasion,” said Dr. Ferrer, displaying a presentation of photos from last year’s Ides of March celebration, just days after California announced its first lockdown, in which thousands of toga-clad Angelenos took to the streets to celebrate the 44 BCE stabbing of Roman consul Julius Caesar at the Theatre of Pompey. “This cannot happen again. We understand the importance of the holiday and the joy of gathering with friends and family to reenact this brutal and shocking scene from ancient Roman politics, but there are virtual alternatives to the in-person festivities.” At press time, Dr. Ferrer had announced a new portal on the LA County Public Health website where constituents can stab a virtual Caesar with other participants online.