LOS ANGELES—The long-polarized country has finally unified after Olivia Rodrigo, star of the Disney+ original series “High School Musical: The Musical: The Series,” released her debut song “Driver’s License” about passing her driver’s license test while recovering from teenage heartbreak. “I understand she’s like 17, and that I passed my driver’s license test 12 years ago, but the way she sings about “see[ing] [his] face in the white cars” evokes an emotion in me that is so raw… I’m broken,” confessed financial associate Riley Thompson, gesturing to her one-bedroom Los Angeles apartment covered in empty ice cream pints, used tissues, and piles of dirty laundry sporadically placed across the hard-wood floor. “In a desperate move to quell my anguish, I even reached out to my mom’s conservative aunt Debra in Tennessee for her cookie dough recipe, only to find out she has been wallowing in self-pity for the past two weeks too! Like, who knew one person’s actions could affect the mental stability of an entire nation? All I know is that I’ve been crying non-stop for days and apparently so has everyone else.” At press time, Thompson had made a post on Facebook calling for further unity in preparation for Rodrigo’s chart-breaking single’s radio debut early this week.