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Category Archive: News

Report: Coronavirus Able to Infect up to 5th Layer of 7-Layer Dip

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WESTWOOD—In anticipation of Super Bowl Sunday, UCLA researchers issued a press release regarding their latest breakthrough discovery that […]

Mitt Hauser February 6, 2021 Local, National, News, Science & Technology

Emily in Paris Nominated for Golden Globes?

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nglovinsky February 4, 2021 Entertainment, News in Picture

Newly Discovered Fossils Suggest Dinosaur Looked Stupid as Hell

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WESTWOOD—Archaeologists this week discovered fossils believed to belong to a previously unknown species of dinosaur that likely looked […]

Jack Lyons February 3, 2021 News, News in Brief, Science & Technology

Overwhelming Political Anxiety Replaced by Slightly Less Overwhelming Political Anxiety

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STUDIO CITY—Following last month’s presidential inauguration, local woman Mallory Chen realized that her overwhelming political anxiety had subsided […]

Hayley Gazdik February 2, 2021 Local, National, News, News in Brief, Politics

Nation Already Bored, Misses Drama

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UNITED STATES—Americans all across the country admitted this week that they are already bored and miss the four […]

Jack Lyons February 1, 2021 National, News, Politics

Hunter Biden Signs with IMG Models

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Several months after photos of him smoking a cigarette in a bathtub went viral, Hunter Biden, a […]

Hayley Gazdik January 30, 2021 National, News

Report: Area Man in No Way Essential

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EAST HOLLYWOOD—Area man and corporate consultant Brandon Huff cannot be considered essential in any way, according to sources […]

Jack Lyons January 28, 2021 Local, News

Area Woman Surprised Overpriced Yoga Mat Not Cured Depression Yet

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LA CAÑADA—Local woman Debra Foster concluded this week that her overpriced Maduka 6 millimeter thick yoga mat had […]

Jenny Harper January 28, 2021 Local, News

Gov. Newsom Announces Big Stupid Dum-Dum Plan

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SACRAMENTO—Governor Gavin Newsom announced a big stupid dum-dum plan this morning to lift all statewide COVID-19 restrictions despite […]

Jack Lyons January 25, 2021 Local, News, Politics

Area Fellas Announce Plans to Keep on Keeping on

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MID-CITY—Friends Jake Currant, Evan Hasting, and Drew Hurd, who are considered by numerous sources to be a group […]

Jack Lyons January 21, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief

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