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Category Archive: News in Brief

Area Fellas Announce Plans to Keep on Keeping on

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MID-CITY—Friends Jake Currant, Evan Hasting, and Drew Hurd, who are considered by numerous sources to be a group […]

Jack Lyons January 21, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief

Kamala Harris Changes Position on Being Californian

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the incoming Biden-Harris administration attempts to foster bipartisanship by compromising with the Republican Party on certain […]

Jack Lyons January 18, 2021 National, News, News in Brief, Politics

Local Idiot Still Excited for 2021

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PALMS—Local man Matthew Cross proclaimed that he was excited for 2021 in a statement widely condemned as idiotic. […]

Jack Lyons January 14, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief

Nook Inc. To Halt Donations to Hawley, Cruz

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NOOK’S CRANNY—Real estate development company Nook Inc. announced that it will halt all campaign contributions to Senators Josh […]

Jack Lyons January 13, 2021 National, News, News in Brief, Politics

Frustrated Gavin Newsom Laments He Now Has To Get French Laundry To-Go

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SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom lashed out in a phone call with his staff Monday morning, lamenting that due […]

Jack Lyons January 10, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief, Politics

Tier 1 of Vaccinations To Now Include Entire Cast of Grey’s Anatomy

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LOS FELIZ — In a Los Angeles County Department of Public Health press conference held today, Dr. Barbara […]

Jenny Harper January 9, 2021 Entertainment, Local, National, News, News in Brief

Democratic Party Backs Fully Preserved Neanderthal For Senate, Because Fuck You

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SACRAMENTO—According to sources familiar with the matter, the California Democratic Party (CDP) held a closed-door meeting in which […]

Jack Lyons January 5, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief, Politics

Area Woman Begins Juice Cleanse, Unclear Why

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BRENTWOOD—Friends and family of local woman Ashley Glindman report that the 29-year-old marketing analyst has abruptly embarked on […]

Jack Lyons January 4, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief

MSNBC Assures Viewers Trump Will Live On In Their Hearts And Minds Forever

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Desperate to maintain the consistently high ratings the network enjoyed throughout Donald J. Trump’s presidency, MSNBC hosts […]

Jack Lyons January 4, 2021 National, News, News in Brief, Politics

Area Woman Opposes Vaccine Because Needle “Ouchie”

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CULVER CITY—Local stay-at-home mother Kaitlynn Krassen expressed to numerous sources that she does not intend to receive the […]

Jack Lyons January 4, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief

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