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Author: Jack Lyons

Kamala Harris Changes Position on Being Californian

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the incoming Biden-Harris administration attempts to foster bipartisanship by compromising with the Republican Party on certain […]

Jack Lyons January 18, 2021 National, News, News in Brief, Politics

Experts Bewildered by Area Man Who Follows All COVID-19 Guidelines

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WESTWOOD—UCLA Health researchers expressed bewilderment and awe this week over local software engineer Jason Allen, who has been […]

Jack Lyons January 14, 2021 Local, News

Local Idiot Still Excited for 2021

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PALMS—Local man Matthew Cross proclaimed that he was excited for 2021 in a statement widely condemned as idiotic. […]

Jack Lyons January 14, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief

Area Man Mourns Loss of Local Businesses, Lives to COVID-19

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PASADENA—In an emotional interview with LAish, area man David Jorgenson lamented the tragic loss of local businesses such […]

Jack Lyons January 13, 2021 Uncategorized

Nook Inc. To Halt Donations to Hawley, Cruz

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NOOK’S CRANNY—Real estate development company Nook Inc. announced that it will halt all campaign contributions to Senators Josh […]

Jack Lyons January 13, 2021 National, News, News in Brief, Politics

Frustrated Gavin Newsom Laments He Now Has To Get French Laundry To-Go

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SACRAMENTO—California Governor Gavin Newsom lashed out in a phone call with his staff Monday morning, lamenting that due […]

Jack Lyons January 10, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief, Politics

Market Forecast: Don’t Count On It

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With investors anxious about the continued volatility of the financial markets due to the COVID-19 pandemic, economists are […]

Jack Lyons January 9, 2021 Business, News

Democratic Party Backs Fully Preserved Neanderthal For Senate, Because Fuck You

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SACRAMENTO—According to sources familiar with the matter, the California Democratic Party (CDP) held a closed-door meeting in which […]

Jack Lyons January 5, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief, Politics

Area Woman Begins Juice Cleanse, Unclear Why

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BRENTWOOD—Friends and family of local woman Ashley Glindman report that the 29-year-old marketing analyst has abruptly embarked on […]

Jack Lyons January 4, 2021 Local, News, News in Brief

MSNBC Assures Viewers Trump Will Live On In Their Hearts And Minds Forever

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Desperate to maintain the consistently high ratings the network enjoyed throughout Donald J. Trump’s presidency, MSNBC hosts […]

Jack Lyons January 4, 2021 National, News, News in Brief, Politics

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