CUPERTINO—Apple, Inc. announced a new software update for the Apple Watch that will enable the wearable device to track users’ daily shortcomings. “We are so excited to provide this important data to our customers,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, displaying the new chart function on the activity program providing a minute by minute breakdown of an individual’s personal failings throughout the day. “You have a bad week at work and miss your move goal? This graph tracks it. You forgot to meal prep and had to eat out all week? That too. Your Apple Watch will now log every disappointing blunder, bungle, or misstep you make by not fully committing to your personal goals.” At press time, Cook was seen shamefully viewing his own personal failure chart which displayed his consistent daily shortcoming of “not being Steve Jobs.”