PALM SPRINGS—Local man Jake Flint, the grandson of a U.S. Army soldier who died in combat in the Korean War, celebrated Memorial Day by embarking on a 3-day cocaine bender with his friends over the long weekend. “Let’s fucking GOOOOOOOOOO,” said Flint, his pupils bulging as he enjoyed a wide range of hedonistic freedoms that his grandfather presumably gave his life to protect. “Memorial Day is the best, man. The broskis and I don’t have to worry about work, I just get to slam some beers, rip a bong, and do some lines to celebrate my grandfather’s service to our country. Thanks Pop!” Flint was later seen streaking naked through the streets of Palm Springs, fueled by a combination of alcohol and stimulants, wearing only an American flag as a cape.