MEDINA, WA—Bill and Melinda Gates announced in a joint statement released today that they will split custody of the developing world, which they have assumed significant custodianship of through their eponymous charitable foundation, following their recently announced divorce. “Just because we’re splitting up doesn’t mean we love you any less,” said the Gateses, addressing a war-torn South Sudanese village without access to clean drinking water. “We still care about you, and both of us will continue to look after you and give you your allowances. How about we take your whole village out for ice cream and get you a Brita? See, it’s not going to be so bad!” While initially amicable, the Gateses’ divorce rapidly devolved into petty competition for the developing world’s affection through lavish gift-giving, with Mr. Gates promising to provide internet access to the global poor only to be outdone by Ms. Gates offering them COVID-19 vaccines.