SACRAMENTO—Amid sinking approval ratings and the wake of one of the deadliest COVID-19 surges in the nation, a withered and despondent Governor Gavin Newsom was spotted at a table outside a Sacramento Whole Foods store this week signing a petition to recall himself from office. “I hate this job, man. I don’t want to do this anymore,” said a disgruntled and visibly drunk Newsom, slurring his words while clutching a paper bag with a half-empty $1,300 bottle of 2010 Silver Oak Napa Cabernet Sauvignon. “Everyone is mean to me, nobody likes me, I have no friends, everything sucks, and they even took away my table at the French Laundry!” Newsom was later spotted wearing flip flops and ordering a Meat Mountain Sandwich™ from Arby’s as he prepared to begin his new post-political life.