WASHINGTON, D.C.—After private text messages about his family’s Cancun vacation plans were leaked to the public, Senator Ted Cruz (TX) introduced the Snitches Get Stitches Act for the Senate’s consideration. “Data information breaches are no laughing matter,” Senator Cruz said at a press conference, making direct eye contact with whom sources have since learned is his next-door neighbor. “Snitches should absolutely face legal consequences for their actions,” he continued, “as information security is perhaps the most important issue facing Americans—namely, Texans—today.” At press time, more than four million people in Texas were without power or electricity due to adverse weather conditions and little government action.