LOS ANGELES—The Los Angeles Department of Transportation announced at a press conference this week that starting next Tuesday, they will begin ticketing Los Angeles residents who do not hit their daily step count. “We are all about inconveniencing people during a pandemic,” said LADOT General Manager Seleta Reynolds to a virtual crowd of reporters who had to jump through digital hoops, including answering riddles and solving security puzzles just to log onto the Zoom webinar. “We started slowly by first ticketing people working from home who parked their cars in the wrong spots on a particular day, but then we wanted to get a little more arbitrary in our approach to profiting off residents during a public health crisis. Walking is technically transportation, so we do have jurisdiction here.” At press time, LADOT was considering how to incorporate the act of crawling on the ground to include babies in the legal umbrella of “acts of transportation” overseen by the department.