SACRAMENTO—Governor Gavin Newsom announced a big stupid dum-dum plan this morning to lift all statewide COVID-19 restrictions despite record deaths and the discovery of a new, local variant of the virus that may cause more severe illness. “He is a doo-doo head and his plan is stupid,” said local second-grade student Kyle Martin, who added that he had learned how to read graphs in school last year and was perplexed as to why Newsom had not yet learned that skill. “I don’t think he even paid attention in class because if he did he wouldn’t have made such a dum-dum plan. That means he is a big stupid idiot. His teacher should give him an F because that’s what he deserves.” Despite opposition to his plan from critics like Martin, Newsom assured reporters that he had based his plan off of big numbers and that he is very smart, even going so far as to accuse Martin himself of being the “real dum-dum.”