WHITE OAK, MD—In a joint press event today, Food and Drug Administration (FDA) Secretary Stephen Hahn and Center for Biologics Evaluation and Research (CBER) Director Peter Mark announced that the newest COVID-19 vaccine has been approved by the FDA and will soon be widely available for everyone but you. “Considering the lengths our agency has gone to in order to fast track a third vaccine for our populous, this is an exciting and historic day for all Americans, except for you,” Secretary Hahn mused into the microphone behind a shield of glass at the FDA Headquarters, as he looked directly at the camera speaking to you, 2,290 miles away on your couch in Los Angeles, California. “We are ecstatic to say the least. The opportunity to have multiple vaccines now available will allow us to reach more of our nation’s most vulnerable at a much faster rate than we had previously anticipated. We hope to reach our goal of herd immunity of 70%, which we technically don’t need you for, by Summer 2021.” At press time, CBER Director Mark was overheard explaining plans to vaccinate all 535 members of Congress and their golfing partners before the year’s end.