SACRAMENTO—According to sources familiar with the matter, the California Democratic Party (CDP) held a closed-door meeting in which party leaders agreed to back the candidacy of a fully preserved neanderthal in the 2024 Senate election in a move intended to demonstrate the party’s grip on its nominating process. “This is our candidate, so fuck you,” said CDP chair Rusty Hicks in a profound call for party unity, adding that the now-extinct homo neanderthalisis possesses seniority and experience unmatched by primary challengers from its extant and notably younger evolutionary counterpart homo sapiens. “Thinly-veiled criticisms of this embalmed specimen that take aim at its age, failure to compete with other archaic human specifies and consequent extinction 40,000 years ago, and musty odor are, quite frankly, ageist, speciesist, and all-around discriminatory; it’s sad that its human challengers feel they must resort to such petty attacks.” The neanderthal could not be reached for comment as aides have gone to considerable lengths to suspiciously limit its media appearances.