WASHINGTON,
D.C.—Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced today that they have reached a bipartisan agreement on a new COVID-19 stimulus package which will include direct relief to working families in the form of a single $1,200 check for whichever American can get the closest to guessing how many jellybeans are in a jar. “The American people are suffering economically during this pandemic, and we are excited to offer one of those Americans some relief,” said McConnell, gesturing to a half-gallon mason jar filled with assorted jelly beans. “We know Americans aren’t looking for a handout, and there’s no such thing as a free lunch—the only way we can determine who really needs this money is by allowing the American people to peer into this jar and make a reasonable estimate of the number of jelly beans, and then give the stimulus check to whoever’s guess is the closest to the actual number. It’s basic economics.” Sources later told reporters that Senator Kelly Loeffler was slated to receive the check after Leader McConnell had appointed her to the Jelly Bean Task Force months prior, raising questions of what she knew about the beans and when.